Sailor Bob-Kat - Non duality Sunday 2 Sept 2018

In case you don't know, I'm having a rest for a few weeks and letting... What is starting? I say in case you don't know, I'm having a rest for a few weeks and letting Kat take over to give the spiel and the talk and see how it goes. That's it? What? The cat or Kat? I thought he was going to say a couple of words more. That's enough. I don't know. Yeah, well, yeah, he's having a rest, but he's looking after himself. He's burning a lot of energy on exercising, getting fit. So he's having a rest from speaking to the group, but he's still not having a rest and he's doing very well on speaking one on one.

There are still people calling on the phone and on Skype and having him on private, which is, yeah, it's easier, Terry can say, how much easier it is to actually adjust the language to the group. Yeah. And to meet the person where they are rather than just drop random ideas at everyone. So he reserved that good part for himself still available for a ridiculously low donation if anybody wants to pay it. Because I remember I used to go to a psychotherapist before I got my one-on-one with Bob. The psychotherapist was charging like 180 per hour. And of course, you have to go there forever. Well, I was working at sea.

I had money. but Bob takes one third of this money if someone is willing to pay because often people don't have any and he's still not going to throw them out of the door and there are people who actually need that depends on the ripeness and this is yeah I'm telling it to you also because when you find yourself at that point where nothing else matters doesn't matter my relationships with my family doesn't matter my job my career now I really I really have the priority I want to see through this illusion of me I don't want to take things personally anymore this is important everything else is not this is the this is the point where you know speaking to Bob is just a delight for both for the one who is asking questions and for the one who is answering because that level of commitment which Nisargadatta calls earnestness is it means there is just really really very very thin veil between the the reality and well the filtering through the eye it may be very desperate it may be very painful it may it may feel very solid but if that earnestness or commitment is there that wall can be penetrated one pointer that's the ripeness that's the that's the place where this fruit is so heavy and so juicy and so rich that the one touch can can push it off the tree but what is actually standing in a way usually is that moment to moment we give importance to too many other things and that's natural also it's just when that importance is recognized it usually drops away like I can say oh my gosh it's so important that I will be at work on time because there is someone there who really desperately needs me and they will be waiting ........

they'll be worried it's so important yes sure but then I understand that this importance and this idea of importance in the relative in the dream is just part of the dream and I'm still gonna be driving fast but I will know that whatever the feelings or commentary or thoughts are going on they're just the dream and and that's the freedom because now there is nobody to take on board any consequences that are completely out of my hands so now even though the situations like the importance coming up you know it's important that I don't forget to give Bob the the tablet they are you know they they dealing with the neurotransmitters in the brain you can't forget that it's just dangerous I know it's just yes something's wrong with the Internet nothing we can do about it it's not transmitting it just stopped yes so this this relatively important things they come in life and that's fine it's just when we recognize oh yeah it's relatively important yes sure in this moment in the dream but what really matters you know if I have the commitment what really matters is to see the truth so that dream is giving me some juicy story that I have to rush or I have to be careful I have to watch out I have to not forget pay the bills whatever is the beautiful juicy story is the way that the non Jew are one is expressing but what's really important is to see it for what it is the story because if I see the story no matter how beautiful how important how stressful how dreadful for what it is just a story I'm free and and the story doesn't touch me it doesn't mean that yeah I was I was telling you just before the meeting it doesn't mean that If there is a pain, there will be tears.

If there is an emotional pain or heartbreak, also there will be sadness. But that sadness, there is a sweetness in it. There is a sweetness. I remember recently I've lost a friend who just moved on. And I used to be so attached to her, we would spend an hour a day on the phone. Just so much love invested, so much attention invested. And then she just moved on because that's what she does. Yeah, that's it. And then of course there was a sense of void, almost as if you get your limb cut off and you have phantom pains. A sense of void, missing. And a sense of, I don't know, longing in a way.

But in a sadness, oh gosh, I do miss her, you know, I do love her and miss her. But there was also sweetness, oh my God, how beautiful is that? How beautiful is that? How sweet is that sadness? How sweet is that? Because this is really showing, because it's not my sadness. It is the sadness that appears in that body-mind, it's not mine. And this sweetness comes from recognition that this is love. This is how love expresses at this moment. Oh yes, how beautiful. If that was me there, of course there would be instant resistance. I don't want to feel this. I don't want to feel pain.

I want to feel pleasure. But if there is a sense of void, of course there is a sense of void. But if you are there to choose whatever is felt, oh, what a beauty. The sadness, the joy, the jealousy, the anger, everything is embraced as beautiful. And yeah, because when the dream is recognized for what it is, the dream, and the dreamer is recognized for what it is, the non-existent space-like basic screen, who is there to resist what is? And that's the beauty. So this is another way, I'll just probably stop it, I don't know, which is basically inviting for the investigation. So, I don't want it this way, I want it that way.

Who is the I? Who is the one who wants it? And now, if I'm really, really honest, I see the component of that I that wants, well, wanting, wanting, what is really wanting, is kind of a sucking from within, right? A desire, wanting something different. So, it is a sensation, it's a physical sensation. Okay, you get it? Oh, thank you, Terry. Hello. Gosh, you look so different without your hair. Hello, how are you? Yes, so whenever resistance shows up on the screen, it's an invitation to actually question who is the one who's resisting? Who is the one who doesn't love what is? Doesn't agree for that sadness or grief or envy or whatever?

So that one, the component, the most obvious component of that is the physical component. So, there is longing, there is a sense of a void or suction coming in from the stomach like, ah, yeah, gosh, it feels so narrow, it feels so confined. But am I that sensation? Of course not. How can I be sensation? They're coming and going. So, they are noticed or observed on the screen of awareness. Okay. So, I'm not the sensations. What else is that to the I that resists something? The idea that there is me putting that pressure or that resistance. But anybody has ever found it? Like, resistance is obvious.

It can be sensed, it can be felt, it can be experienced on the physical level or even on the emotional level as a sense of uneasiness or feeling. But has anyone ever experienced the one who, who is actually applying it? Like, who is applying the pressure resistance? Who is applying pressure on the muscles? Well, there will be obviously the oxygen running through the veins, there will be blood, there will be brain secreting different hormones or different neurotransmitters. So, the whole universe, that universe is applying the sensations. Not I, it's the whole body. And of course, body is connected with the rest of the universe. Body can't stand.

It can't stand up without the air to breathe, water to drink, food to eat and a space to be. So actually, there is no I resisting. There is the whole world presenting on the screen of awareness as resistance. So is it really my resistance? Now the moment I view the resistance as just another screen, just another appearance on the screen, I'm obviously free. I'm the knowing of it. I am the screen. And the resistance just shows up. So, how? How long is that resistance going to last viewed from this perspective? Just kind of like almost dissected that, oh gosh, that's just physical sensations and emotional sensations and all coming up from the factory that is, yeah, what a big deal about that.

So but that's the one way of investigating the resistance. So investigating the me one could say that is resisting and that can't be found. So, resistance is just. It's just appearance. And when the resistance is investigated, it's usually gone and what's left? Just whatever is, whatever is happening. The seeing, hearing, tasting, touching, smelling. This is what is left. And in the absence of any idea that there is someone who is experiencing, life is already free, unbound, is experiencing, is happening to itself, is showing itself up to itself. If there is no idea of separate self, in a moment when there is no resistance, there is nothing wrong.

There is nothing wrong when we sit here and nobody wants something else. Or maybe somebody wants Bob to speak, me for example. But when there is nothing wrong, there is no ego. It's not being constructed. It's not being invented to have any opposition to the ego. It's not being constructed. It's not being constructed. It's not being constructed. It's not being given to whatever is. So the world is not being opposed. It's not being resisted. So it's not being separate really. In that moment when there is nothing wrong, when I don't invent the idea of there is someone here inside and there is world out there outside and they are separated by the body or by the skin, without those thoughts, there is nothing wrong.

And when there is nothing wrong, this is called natural self. And the natural state is the state which is us in nature. Unless I think of a self or the ego, there isn't one. Without the thought or line of thoughts, line of the whole production coming and relating and constructing it from memory, concept over concept, layer over layer, accumulated throughout the life to build up the structure that seems almost solid. Without maintaining that idea that there is a body, it was growing up, the body is mine, it's female, it's this, it's that. Without those line of thinking, it's just this. And if there is nothing wrong in this moment, that's the natural state.

So the problem with enlightenment starts here when we are already in that natural state, in the moments when we are not constructing that fictitious entity. And we say, nah, that's not it. That natural state, nah, that must be something bigger, greater, must be a huge experience, must be a bliss, light effects, the ecstasy. Not this, I'm not there yet. I don't feel any ego right now if I don't think about it, but I'm still not there yet. Well who says that and based on what? Because there is nothing. There is nothing. There is nothing in the nature that is outside of it and there is nothing in the appearance that is not it.

So now everything is that, but I'm not. How come? How could that be possible? I can only believe that I am not that. Actually what obscures the naturalness and the ease of the effortless being is the belief that I am not that yet. So it is really about dropping off or questioning that one belief that separates me from the ultimate freedom or great enlightenment, which is basically an absence of the belief in separate me. So now, easy to say, it doesn't, I kind of knew it theoretically, in 2010 I learned that in India. Yeah. In India, it is still reconstructing itself. It was still, it felt like there is construction, like there is some sort of a contraction there.

It felt like, yes, I understand it from the top of my head conceptually that there can't be enemy. Yes, I agree, there can't be. I still experience one. I still feel one. So what am I going to do? Am I going to go with the belief that there can't be or am I going to go with personal experience that there is? That's how it seems like. It seems like because I believe in my personal experience so much that it seems real, but it's not. That's why they call the whole appearance Maya. We believe in the solidity of the bodies and the walls because they feel so real.

We experience them real, but they are not. It's funny, I was a couple of days ago talking to my baby sister and explaining to her what we are doing. She doesn't really speak English that well. I sent her a Polish dubbing and she says, you know what? I don't really know what you guys are talking about. I say, well, you know what? We're just a bunch of idiots who sit together and say, you know what? There is no you. You have no free will. You have no volition. There is no separate self. We all sit and open our eyes and try to wrap our heads around it, which is totally impossible.

No, no, no. No, no, no. And it makes it even more . What did she say? Yeah, we had absolutely wonderful laugh. We were just laughing and laughing. I was actually intentionally presenting it in a way that is so ridiculous that you just have to stop trying. Stop even trying to understand it. It's like I was telling her that my mom was actually asking me a few times because that's what she couldn't really wrap her head around. Why is non-duality better than any other belief? Why is believing that there is no separate self better than believing in whatever else, Jesus or something? And I said, it is not.

It is absolutely not. If you want to believe that there is no self and still experience one, oh, believe in anything else. It's not better than anything. On the level of the belief, it's confusing, it's ridiculous, it's funny. It's like, gosh, I had a really good laugh with my little sister. It's funny, it's idiotic. Like, come on, you know, there is no you. We're talking. Come on. You don't have any free will or choice. Come on, what about choosing my responses, you know? I can't choose the situation, but I can choose how to respond to it. Oh, sure, how valid is that? Oh, I can learn optimism.

We have thousands of proofs. Attitude of gratitude, NLP has evidence. Science. Science. Scientific evidence. Yes, sure you can. But who is that you? So the whole show gets ridiculous when we still hear it and experience it from the level of conceptual thinking and logic. It is not logical that there is no me inside. I can make it funny. I did it for my sister. I say, yes, you think you have a little thing inside there that is pulling the strings and controlling and driving the ship. Nobody has ever seen one. But we all assume that there is. And everybody you ever meet assume that there is.

So you never questioned, why would you? Nobody does. But there isn't. So this is what I was trying to unsuccessfully explain to my mother. It is not about having better set of beliefs. It is not that it's easier and it's happier and it's lighter if you believe there is no you and you don't take things personally. No. It is about freeing yourself. Free yourself from need to believe anything, better or worse. If you have better beliefs, yes, you have better attitudes, you have better habits, fine. Your dream may be more pleasurable. But it is about waking up, not about changing, rearranging chairs on the Titanic.

It is going to sink. It doesn't matter, good dream, bad dream. If it is recognized as a dream, that's where the freedom lies. So believe that there is no me. No, that's not. Well, it may be a starting point. Or it may be the kind of invitation to examine it. But it is not it. It's really believing in me that is blinding me to the reality of life. If I believe there is a me, I'm already confined, blinded and I'm experiencing separation. It is about dropping the belief, not acquiring a better one. Now I believe in me and now I believe in no me. Absolutely not.

It is about checking it out, like verifying it. Don't let anyone ever tell you anything. Check it. Is there a me? Now. If I find one, wonderful, I'm going to believe in it. I won't even have to believe in it. Because if it's there, well, it doesn't even need the belief. But is it? Is it? Nobody has ever found one. Not many is looking. Not many people. Nobody has ever checked it. But if they do, well, there isn't one. So now it's actually, it's probably worthy to figure out how much you can, what you are associating with the me. What feels like there is a me.

But what is that feeling? Is that a feeling that, oh yeah, because I can tap my body and I can feel it, and I can tap his body and I won't feel it. It means this is a me and this is not me. Well, this is an assumption. Because this is basically taking credit for having the tools to experience sensations. You know, I can have tools. I can have cameras all over and I can say those are my eyes, extension of my eyes. I can have car and this is an extension, this is a vehicle for transport. But this is not me. So the vehicle that is giving me an ability to sense the world.

I can have a car. I can have the world. It's not necessarily what I am. And ultimately everything is what I am. So not just this body but everybody. But for the heck of pointing, this is why the pointing has throughout the ages always been constructed in the negatives. You can't figure out what you are because there isn't anything there that you can grasp. If there was a me perhaps it could have been known in some ways. by me because for me to know the me I would have to be outside of the me obviously I couldn't but maybe Bob could know my me it doesn't happen he can only have the image which is gonna be changing I can assure you he has in different image of me when I have premenstrual syndrome I'm irritable and picky and he is different image of me when I'm just being blissful because of whatever the beauty that just yes gosh I have different image of the cats when they get where they getting nuisance this is all fluid it's nothing real and substantial about it and it's always only made of thoughts and images and concepts and past experiences is always based in comparison to to the past so it can't be relied so if I can't find the me nobody else can find can find the me obviously me is out of question it can't be found so what can be done the reverse can be done and that's the typical Buddhist investigation called neti neti the reverse can't be done I can figure out what I am NOT so whatever I'm aware of can't be the awareness because it is a content of awareness so if I'm aware of my body I'm not my body apart from that from the fact that the body is constantly changing so I can't be something that is changing because I'm aware of the change if I can witness the change in the body I'm obviously the witnessing not the body so same thing with everything else like just like the body's changing the feelings emotions in the bodies are changing and the thoughts are changing and their life situations are changing relationships are changing everything all of it is being known so all of it is is a content appearing in the awareness.

So the one thing that is never changing is the awareness and this is one thing that I can never be aware of. Can I be aware of my awareness? No, because I would have to make it to an object that is in the awareness and obviously I'm the awareness of it. So any attempts to make any pointer to be an object that mind is trying to grasp are just misguided, waste of time. Mind is trying to do it and that's okay. It's good to just recognize it. Grasping awareness, grasping space, make it to an object and trying to identify with it. Okay, I will try now to identify myself as a space.

No, there is no I that is trying to do an action and embodying or imagining itself to be space. This is still the same. This is still the activity of the mind. Now this activity of trying to identify is known and that knowing is completely effortless. It doesn't take any action. It doesn't take any trying. That knowing is effortless and that knowing can't be denied. That being and that knowing can't be denied and it can't be grasped as an object. And if it can, for some reason people may have really, really vivid imagination. But it's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not.

It's not. It's not. It's not. It can't be grasped. It's not. It's not. It's not. No. It can't be grasped and it's not a vivid imagination. What is the space in which that one is known? The one thing that can't be questioned and can't be denied is the fact of the being, the knowing of the being. Of course, there are questions often like… On the last meeting, well how about when we sleep? Okay, just ask me that question when you sleep. If you still have that problem when you sleep, wonderful. We're going But in my experience, when I sleep the questions don't arise. So there's no need to answer them, there's no need to go to the mind, there's no need for any pointing.

So if there is a gap in the memory, in the recording of the activity during the sleep, there's also gap in identification with the me, so there's no need to question. So there's no problem whatsoever. And of course, the idea of sleeping is again going to the mind and going to the idea of time. Like Richard, he had a beautiful pointer which is really beautiful, like how from the experience it seems like this life essence is constructing that entity. Early in the morning I wake up, I don't really have all the memories of what I am, I don't even know which day of the week it is, but it slowly downloads.

Oh yeah, it's Sunday, oh okay, we do this, oh okay, and this. So it kind of constructs itself when it wakes up and it deconstructs itself, it drops everything off and becomes just nothing when it sleeps. And then the body comes up again. We don't know whether the body exists or not, somebody else can tell us, but this somebody else is also a construct, a figure in the dream. We can dream someone to tell us what's true. We can dream scientists to tell us what's true. That's beautiful, it's good to recognize it as a dream too and totally appreciate it. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. But even this beautiful model of constructing and deconstructing the body or the biocomputer, the entity, is gorgeous, is to be used but it can be very easily thrown away if you see how it relies on time being linear, being something sequential, not being the reality of this moment right now. Because if there was a yesterday, where is it now? is it now? It is only in my memory. How about yours? We had a big day yesterday, so Bob was a little bit tired. And before the meeting he did the bicycle exercises. But anyway, any ideas of the moment different than that are the ideas, are the mental images that I'm creating right now.

And I'm not creating them. And I am creating them, of course. I mean, in a way, they are showing up. And I, as totality, am expressing them through the body-mind. But I, as the body-mind, have absolutely no doing at all with anything. Just like I have no doing with growing my hair. I have no doing with growing my hair. I have no doing with growing my hair. I have no doing with growing my hair. And they are not creating, manufacturing thoughts or choosing thoughts. Yeah, that's half an hour. Yes, so, now, inviting everyone in. It's actually a strong group. Everyone's been exposed to this for long enough?

Is there any me left in there that wants to be looked at? And if it is, gosh, tell me all about it. We'll see if it stands up to investigation. investigation. If it is anything more than just random sensations, thoughts and beliefs just floating in the awareness. No one? No me. Someone will start shooting after that one. Just towards the heart, the first question is the heart as well. Well, that's wonderful. Because freedom from having questions is actually, this is it. And Bob was, when he was in the hospital, he was actually asking me when I was covering up for him. He says, okay, when you finish speaking do people jump with questions or is there a gap, at least a little bit of a silence?

Oh yeah, you know, first question is usually hard to come out. He says, great! That's it. If you can create that gap of silence when the question doesn't come, wonderful, this is it. Because the question is the questioner. When I have the question, who am I? There is already a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, assumption that there isn't me who wants to know. If the question doesn't arise there is no, there is no questioner either.

And there is nothing wrong. I suppose I've got a noticing that supposed to be swimmer, neither the know me stuff or if I'm blocking stuff, that's, you know, expansive ? Yeah. Um, long enough, you know, things just keep getting better and getting better, even, you know, better is just a term, but . Yeah, there's more freedom, there's more freedom. There's more freedom in answering. And funny that you said the word freedom. Freedom was in your head because that was the word coming out here. Yeah. It was precisely the word because, like for example, you know, I'm almost just a scarcity and stuff like that and that distracts from the no self.

I don't have a sense of no self. Issues, you know, wrapped up in them. There have been issues. Today, like I've realised someone's got a T on my computer and the sound wasn't working and it was just like totally free. There was no thought, oh no, at all. There you go. Yeah. And also then I noticed I then went to do some activity to look at making money in this particular area that I hadn't quite been doing. Not my usual massive putting off but, and then just the thought was, okay, I need to get money to get a computer even though I'm coming from a very little amount of money to start with and it's like very unlikely in the next year or something.

But, yeah. Yeah. And I was like, well, to even get the sound bit fixed. And it was just, oh, okay, so, you know, how much would it cost to be able to project the computer onto the TV and hear it that way or whatever or just do it from my phone or and it was just, yeah, there was just freedom. There was just like no, oh no thought whatsoever. No investment, like no personal investment. No, not at all. And like other times when there'd been little thought the computer might be stuffed or lost or something, it was, you know, there was always, it was getting less and less but, yeah, that was a really interesting one.

In fact, it freed me up to then go and do the activity. To look at the crowdfunding stuff I was supposed to look at. Yeah. That's, yeah, that's it. And there's been a bit of an underlung since today of, yeah, it's not really, there's the patterning. It's not a complete disconnect from it. It's constantly coming up. The costs are coming up that it's not, that it's fairly impersonal. Cool. That's, yeah. It has the appearance that it makes it, you know, X impersonal. But really, I reckon it's just, you know, it's just, you know, it's just, you know, I reckon it's just, comes up one after the other, boom, boom, boom.

So it means that just as often as a thought comes up around something that's happening, a thought comes up that it's not really really impersonal. So it's always blanket sort of sensation. Yes. Basically, freedom can happen when you're swimming. And if you don't have the habit of contracting around psychological stuff then that's expensive. Yeah. And I'm actually starting to think from what I've been hearing from people who have a clear no self. But there's still behaviour going on and they can't necessarily feel all the emotions that go with it. It becomes a lot more difficult to see the subtleties of, you know, that it's not bothered that much.

And if it's slightly bothered it's, it seems to me it's much easier to get rid of your blocks first because you can still feel the fear. You can feel all the stuff, wham, bam. It's really damn obvious. So I think some kind of disappearing of that stuff for certain patterns is kind of beneficial before. It's a loss of all the sensations because they still have behaviours that might be blocking some little desires that pop up occasionally in little ways. But it's much harder to see what's going on. That's a cool way to look at it. I like it. A cool way. Like if you don't, if you don't really break through the sense of separation but you're still in the process of losing the desires first, that's a positive side to it.

Yeah. Because when you already lose the sense of separate self. Much harder to see. You don't care. Yeah, you don't care but then occasionally you might get frustrated because something's not happening. But you're okay with frustration. Yeah, and you're okay with it too. But then, um. It's too late. You can't do it. Yeah, but then occasionally frustration might come along. Well, what, this is, this is a lovely idea here but there's this lovely thing and it's not happening and can't locate why because they're not feeling it. Why would you even want to locate it? Well, yeah, but then occasionally if that little thing comes up, spikes are pretty.

Well, that's just a thought. Yeah. Yeah, but then you're okay with it. You're okay with it. Yeah. But then you're okay with it. Yeah. But then you're okay with it. Yeah. But then you're okay with it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And that's also no one. But then it can happen that way. And it's kind of lovely also. Um, and also that's a pointer that may mean that more dropping happens. Um, because for me the dropping of the blocks seems to be this as strong a thing to more space, more clarity than dropping of me. Um, because the me isn't so invested in any way. It's the dropping of the blocks it seems to do.

That's one and the same thing. Yeah. There's the tiny little aspects. Kind of. where the you know if there is any block that's already obviously resistance because you wouldn't call it block if that was just a space it's triggering in when things are triggered in when things triggered and when they're not being triggered this is no I don't look at it see sense of I decision-making never nobody says nobody sees sense you know those things then nobody can ever see sense of eyes the questions never even arises about any of those decision-making all those things but when it right into the dream there's no such thing as non-duality because I'm just dreaming about some particular thing yeah yeah but I like the line of thinking like finding a positive this this is the way the life is unfolding and obviously the life is intelligent and this is a beauty in the way this is unfolding in you really is it's a pointer which means that possibly I'll let you know but possibly there will be more of a movement to the dropping blocks rather than watching TV just because it's come up as a as a pointer that this may be an effective thing yeah so it may happen more that's all and again seeing beauty instead of feeling disappointed said why didn't it happen yet big bang great enlightenment that's you know that's that's part of the of the blindness believing that there is a me to who it didn't happen instead you completely uninvested in it and you see the beauty of the process completely impersonally admiring it this is it and relaxed and that because this is it yeah mm-hmm and that's that's the freedom not wanting what it's not if I think I'm not enlightened and I don't want to be enlightened I don't want what it's not I'm already free it cancels itself out so this is relaxing to the things that aren't a block first pattern in particular wherever you are yeah yeah loving what is ending and then and then the light shines on the things that are a block for that yeah being at peace with what is natural state gorgeous thank you I think since I've been coming okay now is that what you were saying before just accepting things as they are well loving what is you know you don't realize just how much you do resist things you know unpleasantness or what you consider to be unpleasant you know it's just it is just following on from what Tony was saying just that sense of enormous expansiveness and freedom and just being able to accept what is whether it's upsetting or not or you know but I had invested quite a lot to go on a retreat to Isrock and just recently and I was with about twenty people really looking forward to and the night before I came down with gastro and I just couldn't go and it was like I somehow knew that you know it was like I knew I couldn't go you know it was sort of like just things playing out and and it just wasn't right time to go and so it was even though there was the initial disappointment it was sort of quite relieving because I sort of thought well yeah I can be really upset because I desperately wanted to go but I also knew something else that wasn't in the larger plan and to just accept that and to be happy with that you know it was you know it was so be yet sort of thing because now you can see that me I'm disappointed but life yeah this now I will or die well yeah now you kind of embracing both yeah well it's kind of allowed but I will is completely accepted yeah and just you know I've had taken off some time off work with that pay and I just sort of thought oh well this is my retreat now at home yeah if it's for you it will come back yeah that's right yeah yeah amazing is to be able to actually really embrace the this this level of of agreeing or accepting what life is offering like you know for whatever reason life is throwing they say even the the so-called spirituality says things are not happening to you but for you you know for you to grow for you to of course it always is a you and the you are getting receiving all the things that are going to make you better stronger freer from concepts or barriers or whatever and those type of beliefs they can actually give a little bit of a relief or like some sort of a soothing balm on the on the on the ego thrown apart having all the accidents and incidents happening to it is is helping but really the beyond is totally totally beyond when you're in the middle of when you when you look at how life is unfolding without adding a meaning all this is bad but in long run maybe it will be good or maybe at the end of the life I will understand that this what now feels bad is a turning point and is great and we all had this moments when we were dreading and few years later oh gosh I hope I wish I I'm so grateful it never happened otherwise but really the whole commentary of adding meaning.

It's not necessary you can look at life in a way that things happen as they do now I can have a little story about it but I will know it is a story and I will still see how beautiful that but even goes through the rapids banks waterfalls stagnant life is just unfolding and I can give it a meaning positive negative neutral and I cannot do anything at all and just stay. Stay. Still silent in all the house what is Bob has been diagnosed with Parkinson's. Ok we don't say this is horrible this is great no no I don't think it is just okay that's what it is or he needed a hip operation or Jim has to you know there is no adding to it and when there is no adding to it obviously all the other income meaning making is strengthening the habit.

Of. going to the head and creating drama and satisfying our need for strong feelings, strong sensations because that drama will make, of course, if I say, my God, this is so dreadful, then my body will secrete hormones, cortisol, it will shrink, it will be a lot of things going on there and that will be intense and that will be entertaining and that will be reinforcing that separate me that is reconstructed in that way because this is happening to me and this is so dramatic, this is so big. And of course, this is not to undermine the dramas. Whenever something juicy is happening to people, it is absolutely to be embraced and when it's unbearable, it is to be helped, to carry around, take it on your back and carry.

Of course, pain, suffering, dramas, yes, but it is not necessary. The life can be lived in a way when things happen and the good and bad and pleasant, without the labels, they are just things happening. And they are met in that silence. Okay, this happened. Now, we want a story about it later on. Life will deliver and we can take it onboard as true gospel and reinforce the I. Or we can just watch it, what a movie, what a story, and still meet life. with whatever it shows in that silence. That's what is. The seeing, hearing, tasting, touching, smelling, thinking. That's what is. As it is at this moment.

And savour it. On the beginning it may feel a little bit blunt. Like come on, without the story, without the drama, it's nothing to think about, it's nothing to chew on, it's nothing to get excited, stressed. We are addicted to this strong bipolar pattern of pain, pleasure, pain, pleasure and throughout life we are chasing this pleasure so bad that we desensitize our natural sensitivity. The people who never go to nature, never smell roses, never listen to music or background, listen to anything because they're so desensitized from the present moment and so attracted to the drama that gives them this high sense of happiness. Emotional highs and emotional lows.

And of course, you want some water? Absolutely. Thank you. And of course with that lack of sensitivity they need to, because yeah, if the dramas are mostly highs, fantastic. But you can't experience high if you don't experience low. To experience more of the high and if this is the mission life has in this body, it will have to deliver the background. There won't be a day without the night. There have to be a background of the opposite. So now we go on the bipolar, we go on the drugs, or we go on anything and it becomes unbearable. As much of the high, that much of the low.

And where is the balance? Where is that how to learn again to appreciate the silence in which nothing, seemingly nothing, is going on. And the stillness in which seemingly nothing's going on. But when we find it, like when we really drop off into that background, into that nothingness, there is never nothing going on. And what is going on is that mind can only reflect memory, imagination, future, past, the stories that mind is chewing. But what is really going on right in this moment. This is absolute miracle that is completely missed because the mind takes things for granted. The mind takes future and past. It happened, it will happen.

And the mental images, there is the miracle of that is completely lost. The fact that whatever the carpet, the glass of water, they exist, they have being, they have this stillness in them. They have the solidity. But they don't. They are atoms circulating, vibrating. There is nothing there. And yet they appear. The thinking cannot take us to the intimacy that we can have with the reality of the moment. The intimacy in which I recognize the reality as the extension or expression of my own self. The thinking can only give us highs and lows. And the natural state is something vastly more, I wouldn't even say satisfying because who is there to be satisfied?

But there is a mystery and magic in just simple being without running to destructions, to trying to be somewhere else, think of something else, experience something else, taste, touch, smell whatever, something but not this, chasing something that will make me whole and complete, meal or better adventure or better partner or money or status that's a slavery that's a bondage one think what is not is the suffering one think what is actually you don't even need to want it one thing what is is actually freedom from one thing because and this is also what is this is funny this is how the ego actually tricks us to believing that once you get your perfect job or your wonderful partner or your great car or whatever you are gonna be happy and why would the mind say that of course because it has experienced that for so long you know as a baby you want the ice cream and you throw the tantrum and the mother gives you an ice cream tantrums gone wonderful so the moment of leave from the tantrum then it's not the ice cream that makes you happy is the absence of tantrum is the absence of wanting that makes us happy so we get I remember I was asking one of the captains I was working with if he can tell me about the most happy moment in his life and he says I passed the exam and I became the captain and this was something a wonderful wonderful brilliant guy but this was like he was he started from the from the deck crew he was a deck boy then he was a ordinary Seaman and he was able-bodied Seaman and he was a bosun and he was third officer forever he didn't go like I went to the study five years Academy and I got the license right away then just the sea time would make me a captain but for him he didn't do he started from scratch and it took him lifetime and he needed to go back to do the courses and prove himself 30 exams it took him I think he was a good captain but he didn't have enough time he needed to go back to do the courses and prove himself 30 exams it took him I think he was 50 when he became a captain he was dreaming about it since he was 13 year old imagine having a dream who motivates your life for so long and by the way he is probably one of the best captains if not the best I was working with because that motivation make him that he was single-pointed now he got his license 40 years of desiring gone or 35 whatever gone imagine a relief coming from this contraction I want it I don't have it I want it I don't have it what else can I do to get what I want now please he didn't want anything I did ask him how long it lasted well he's honest enough to say he's still working as a captain he still enjoys it but I've seen him angry I've seen him frustrated it's not the same sense of relief from from suffering but this is this is what following the desire basically does it promises us the happiness and it delivers but the happiness is not lasting because the happiness only comes from the absence of of the of the desire the absence of the craving I want it I need it I want it I need it I want it I want it I want it I be happy unless I'll get it so when this condition is resolved but how quickly we start craving something else how quickly when we get our dream job or dream car or whatever jewelry something else because the seeking mind has the job which is seeking it wants something next that's that's it's job and it is doing it beautifully and it should be acknowledged you If there is an idea of getting this body more comfortable, more happy, that seeking part of the mind is seeking.

Enlightenment is one of the things it is seeking. Whether it is a big car or it is a huge amount of money or it is an enlightenment, it is still a thing that the mind is going to provide to make this better, happier. How wonderful, how beautiful. The bigger thing is taking care of more trivial things. I'm not going to say much. A more trivial thing will turn out. That's it, yeah. Whatever it is going to seek is always that beautiful intention of self-love. And then when another big thing comes, you go, Oh, shit, I wish it stuck. What a waste for all that trivial stuff to be bothered about.

Because another big thing was around the corner to bother me. That's what they're running from and trying to get. But see, when the identification with the seeking mind is broken, when I am not the seeking mind, I'm not the seeking mind anymore, but I'm the witnessing of it. I can totally love it. I can appreciate it. I can appreciate the seeking mind when I go and do the grocery shopping and I buy the nicest, the healthiest greens for Bob. I'm seeking them. The seeking mind is trying to get better, but I am not that. I am not identified with that. The seeking mind is the tool, but I am the screen using the tool, the awareness, the mind.

If I was the seeking mind, the dialogue would be completely different and I would never be satisfied because the job of the seeking mind is to seek. It's not to find. The finding mind is to find. Seeking mind is to continue seeking. If I identify myself with that, I'm fucked. But if I'm witnessing that, I can love it. I can appreciate it. I can be free of it. I can use it. You just go. You just giggle a bit. Oh, yeah, that. Notice. You come away to the pattern doing its thing and it's just a bit of a, oh, yeah, and then it just goes.

Yeah. You know, yeah, it's, yeah. I just noticed anyway it's a bit shorter. Yeah, you can see the pattern coming and going and you are the witnessing, the knowing of it, not the pattern. And if you don't go the next step and say, I witnessed, if you stop before that, if it stops before that. Yeah. And then you see where others might add on and I'm viewing from a certain point. But if it starts just before there and you recognize that it can go a bit further or it doesn't have to, that's kind of a nice one to see too. Yeah. Yeah. Of course, if there is an I that is witnessing, that I has to be witnessed.

And then, yeah, and so on. And it's just, it's in a progression. It seems to be a solid package, but actually if it gets seen more closely, it's not a solid package. It's just a pattern. It's just a pattern. It's just a pattern. It's just a pattern. It's just a pattern. It's just a pattern. It's just a pattern. It's just a pattern. It's just a pattern. It's just a pattern. It's just a pattern. It's just a pattern. It's just a pattern. It's just a pattern. And then, yeah, and so on. And it's just it's in a progression. It come… seems to be a solid package, but actually if it gets seen more closely, it's just things popping up one after the other.

It gives an apparent overview. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like you say sometimes about the movie that you have the stills moving so fast that they create. Yeah. I think it's solid. Yeah. But if somewhere–like you were saying you learnt in India many years ago to kind of look like that, would that be OK? Yeah. for the gaps or that the gaps are the thing really. Yeah. And I think I guess you guys made it clear to me a couple years ago so it's sort of been coming from that more than the other way around. And yeah it's just it's always that just seems the pertinent thing to have the filter for.

So it just seems pertinent here to filter, or it has seemed that way because that's what's happened, to filter for where are people coming from openness rather than where are people coming from not getting this at all. And it's just suspiciously seems that there's a suspicion here because I can't know that pop nothing just pops in you know flashes and no one knows as humans don't know it's not known that flashes in as much as any kind of ideas popping up about what the stories coming about what how could be it's not knowing is also popping out and and also seeing where the gaps might be and also try driving to the right place.

Yeah. And I think it's just a matter of people into their gaps. Yeah. Rather than assuming they're not getting any of this and they're blank faced and and it's all just chatter and it's all just head stuff. Instead of that filter I found the other filter suspiciously because I can only ever say there's a suspicion that it may be more effective or it has has felt like it's been pretty effective here. But it just seems to be a behavior that's perhaps always been here and it and I can't really say anything about it. I think it's just a suspicion that it's effective to look for the gaps.

Yeah. Rather than to look for the disconnects. Yeah. Yeah. I mean not always and not in all places and times but I kind of like that filter. Yes. It does feel like it's been quite effective here. Yeah it's beautiful. It's beautiful because yes very often especially when you do the netty netty thing you see you look for obscuration. You look for look for what stands in the way. Right. Rather than look for what was already what is already embraced. Yes. Yeah. And Bob often shows that and it's a beautiful example. See how much more space is there than there is objects. It's just so much more obvious so much more of it.

But the eye is constructed constructed the way that it it it's picks out objects. I've got that metaphor before. Because I always thought he was talking about literally people don't notice space and they don't really notice objects. Yeah. They don't really know they're aware of their full environment. But actually that level of metaphor. And you take it down to you know what's there when you're not thinking about it as opposed to. Yeah. Inside when you're not thinking about it. Yeah there's a lot more space. Absolutely. Yeah okay cool. Now fully that's that's where you have to hear the things over and over sometimes. And the mind is always going to objects too you know.

Yes. Thought processes. Whatever you're thinking is an object. That's right. So we go to that rather than the space beyond it. Mm-hmm. Yeah it's it's. It's actually you can even see. Oh sorry. Mm-hmm. You can even see how space we are not seeing space but we see objects. And exactly as you say the same thing happens in the mind. We don't really notice the mind can't grasp the silence the gaps between the thoughts. It grasps thoughts and thoughts are objects. Mm-hmm. Thoughts are objects in the in the space of thinking. Just like. Yeah. Physical objects are in a space of seeing and the sounds are in the space of hearing.

Yeah. Like really everything is just emptiness and form. Whether the form appears as a sound or as a object that is seen or as a thought. There's still emptiness appearing as form. They're just different way they vibrating. The way Bob is talking about there is just one vibrating into various shapes forms and patterns. That's probably about the most beautiful and direct and precise expression or description of what's going on. Constantly the one cognizing emptiness or intelligent space appearing vibrating stillness vibrating into different forms. And the body is one of the forms very complex. There is so many sub vibrating. There are so many sub vibrations there going on the thoughts.

The complexity actually grows with the attention. The further we look that very that very energy coming out from my eyes is making it more complex. That's how that's the how how whole appearance look like a Schrodinger cat experiment. If the cat is there in the box but nobody watch it and it's a 50 50 chance that the cat you know there is some radioactive thing. The cat is alive or dead. Well the reality is that wave of probability. There is no solidity if there is no observer. That's the whole physics is just showing that yeah we are imagining the observer. We imagining the self. We are imagining the solid world.

There is just energy appearing as matter. E equals MC square. So don't worry about turning the camera. Okay. I've got a book that says that according to. They can at least hear you. According to Heisenberg principle. Oh yeah. The more you look at something the more it changes the more you affected by observation. Absolutely. That it actually isn't something separate. But it's the one thing. Absolutely. Same happens with psychology. The psychology says. The more often you are relating the story the more complexity depth and differences the story will gain. Every time they will be slightly different. It's like really it is a life is so is so transient.

It's moving. There's nothing still. There's nothing that stays the same. And it is constantly recreated by the light of attention. So by seeking like the ultimate understanding. It's a myth. It's a myth because there is from that point then I'm standing. Yes. And still looking at something else. That's right. Looking at the next horizon. Yes. Yeah. That's the tricky bit. Very good one. Yes. That's the really really tricky bit. Tricky bit. We. We. Keep it. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. Immersion. Can. You. You. Consistously You. That's the best. Yeah.

So, yeah, look, Kat's mentioned on a couple of occasions how tricky this self is, this me is, or the mind is, or just the thought process is. And when we first get involved in this, it's kind of initially liberating to come to see that thoughts just arise and disappear, that there's no thinker of the thoughts. They just happen, you know. And I've said it a hundred times, and you can test that. If you have any control over your thoughts, just stop thinking. Literally just stop. Not many people can, you know. Thoughts will just come and go. So we start to see that. So there's an education process that happens, you know, by...

by coming to this group or groups like it or self-inquiry. There's an education that happens, and you start to see things. And initially you might come in here and all the stuff that's rattling around in our head is so, so close that we kind of wear it like a skin, you know. There's no separation in it. We can't see it occurring. In other words, whatever is occurring, I am. We sort of just... We become it, you know. So you come in, you're asked to look and look and look and look, and you get challenged with, you know, do you choose to think the thoughts that you think, or do they just arise?

And after a while, you know, there's like a separation that seems to occur. You start to shed that skin of being the thoughts, and you arrive in a place where you're actually able to start witnessing them. And you witness them and you witness them. And then you go through a whole long process. Well, that's a relative term. It takes as long as it's going to take, I suppose. But then you seem to go through this long process of acquiring, acquiring information. You know, I see this, I see that, I see I'm not that, I'm not that, I'm not that, I'm not that, I'm not that.

But it even says, and I can't find a me. I can't find a me. And I'm aware of all the thoughts that are rattling through my head. I'm aware of it. The last, the very, very, very, very last thing to be seen, and I, it's like a, I'm going to call it a core me. And it's really, it's really close. And it's lodged in here somewhere. The reason it feels that it's lodged in the body is because that core me completely identifies with the presence, with its presence, with, with the aliveness, with the awareness. It thinks it's that. So all, all that. So even when there's awareness of all the jargon that goes on between our ears, all of it, even when there's awareness of that, what you'll find is that there's a me still there claiming ownership of that awareness.

I'm aware. Yeah. Once all that veil is seen through, like really seen through, I've heard Bob say it a thousand times and even other people in the group. And it, it kind of sounds a bit sarcastic and it's not meant to be. It's really not. But eventually you'll get to a point where someone is going to say to you, who wants to know? Who really wants to know? Because in my experience, I saw it all. Intellectually. My me saw it all. Let me rephrase that. I thought my me saw it all. I thought my me saw it all. Nothing to do with the me at all.

Awareness was aware of it all. That natural state. But the hook is that last little bit, you know, and you kind of get to a point where you go, look, I know, I know, I know. I see it all. I've been doing this for ages. Yet I still feel like I'm here. I still feel like I'm stuck. And we don't question. It's really interesting. The last thing we question or the last thing we seem to look at is that, that last core me that's going, yep, got it, but I'm stuck. We don't look at that. Because initially when we come in here, we think that the me is just nothing but the content of all the thinking.

We go, if I see that, then somehow I'm just going to miraculously wake up. I'm, me, is somehow me going to miraculously wake up. So there's all that. There's this. There's this last sense of a me that's there. It's, it's, and I've said it before, it's really, really close. I don't know how else to describe it. It's close. It's like, it's not in that content that we initially observe in, in relation to our thinking and what goes on in the thinking. You know, hearing a thought go, ah, you're useless. Or hearing a thought go, yeah, I got it. I haven't got it. I like this.

I like that. I get it. I don't get it. You know, we can kind of hear all that or see it if you like. But there's a, there's a core there. That was my experience. Just purely speaking from my own experience. And that core me, that final, let's say, that final me, what I discovered was that it was identified with that sense of presence. A FELONقة inside me. The me, my me, believed it was here. In other words, here. Present. Present. And then I heard myself going, I still feel I'm here. Sorry, I, I, I, sorry, rather I understand but I still feel I'm stuck.

It was really weird that that was the last core me that, I saw, oh, that was the weirdest thing. Like, why that wasn't seen first, I don't know. Well, and then what I discovered was that the reason that that core me felt so real was because what I said before, it identifies with being present. Yet, what I discovered, you can be fucking present without that me. Well, yeah, because it does assume an identity. Yeah. So that presence is prior. Without that presence, there's no me. I can't have a me without that presence. So what happened then, Terry? Just saw that. I just saw that. I literally just saw that.

I saw that. That line. That last little bit of clinging that my self-identity was doing. That last little bit. Because I went, and it was obvious. I still feel like I'm fucking here. What the fuck am I missing? And I went, who said that? What the fuck was that? What's that about? You know? So it's really interesting. It's kind of, for me, it was kind of the understanding. The understanding came to me in layers. Or in a couple of layers, really. And first it was just observing all the thoughts. Yeah, okay. Yeah. And I can say I haven't got free will. Yep, yep, yep. This is how tricky this mind or this me or this dualistic, so-called dualistic person or thinking can be.

Yeah, I got it. Yeah, I sit. Yeah, of course I can see I haven't got any free will. Who the fuck's saying that? Who the fuck is saying that? Me. Yeah? So it can get real tricky. But to get to that point of seeing that core. By the way, there's not a core. But there was the identification with that presence. To get to there, I had to peel back the onion. I just had to. I had to. But, you know. Bob. Bob. Bob. Bob. Just reach in and pull the fucking whole plant out by the roots and throw it away. You know. But, and that's all in good.

And that's what occurred for me in the end. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I became extraordinarily, naturally interested in presence. Totally. Just, I just saw through the illusion of that final sense. of me you know the last thing that i had to let go of was this sense of presence had to let go of that because i was owning it it's mine it's my awareness i didn't even know i was doing it i really didn't know i was doing it you know i was so caught up in going yeah yeah i see all that that that that that and that and i understand and yep i got it fucking i'm still here you know so that you know you'll hear people say i've heard it a couple of times here today um oh i see a thought come up and it's an uncomfortable thought and um i just choose not to get involved in it or i can see that i'm not accepting something um um or i can see i need to accept something that's all fine you know that that i just described is that first layer seeing what you're not seeing all the content of all the thoughts and and seeing all that but ultimately in the end you get thrown right back on this real i'm still here you just do yeah so while you've got um oh i see a thought and and i'm choosing to ignore it i'm following you yeah i'm choosing to ignore it who is choosing to ignore it so there's a deeper yeah there's a deeper looking time to do that yeah there's a closer instead of before you told me before yeah so there's a closer looking that just happens you can't make it happen you fucking totally can't make it happen it'll happen happen when it happens if you can at least start to observe that process that goes on you know okay there's bad thoughts going on i'm just going to accept them or i'm going to shine the love of the light of love on them or whatever um and somehow that's going to make me feel better you know who always comes back to who who's doing that who's thinking that who's feeling that who's having an opinion on that who sees that who sees i'm not accepting who sees i'm having bad thoughts that i'm now choosing to push away or accept you know who wants to feel better who wants yeah or who wants to feel better yeah beautiful peggy's watching us she says thank you terry shining brilliant yeah beautiful well last week i don't want the camera on me okay we went home and i had to go to work and the night i was on my own i was nice and you know my element beautiful when he come home somehow i was having good thoughts for him coming home when he come home um said something about i don't know something and didn't acknowledge and i got angry then i started to say something to him and again he changed my subject and i got angry really angry I'm thinking I said I'm gonna walk out on him I'm gonna go I'm so angry I'm thinking I'm getting so angry and then he was sort of saying things that didn't agree with me and I was getting very very very very angry but meanwhile I'm thinking who's getting angry it's really hard when you're really angry to ask who's getting angry why have I got this anger what's what's all about I was really hard then he said to me why didn't you do your homework why didn't you say you know I'm doing that don't talk to me just don't talk to me I'm doing that just let me be and by doing and doing and doing it all of a sudden this peace came he wasn't my enemy anymore he became my friend again yeah but that's it I stopped that and I was just completely gone like it was never never happened that's all didn't happen look sometimes when you say what you sign of a lecture well look like I said there's there's a seeing this that seems to have to happen before that sure there's a seeing this that seems to have to happen before that because you're right you know if you're stuck in the middle of something and somebody goes who's it happening to you just want to fucking punch their life yeah you're so angry fucking at me to me you would get you know yeah yeah so when you've went when you've got all that noise that's going on around whoever it is all that noise rather than going oh who's that happening to perhaps look at the validity of the stuff that's coming up is it real and you're not doing it because it's just coming up yeah I was so involved yeah but it's being able to get enough distance from it to go that's interesting look at that shit coming up you know and the more distance you get from it the more you'll start smiling when you spot it you just do there that goes that thought again and you just smile at it after that aren't good does it does it lose its sting?

Well one thing somehow ceased out of the blue just went to peace then I could I start talking to him explain him exactly what happened I said I know I instigated I know this is what I did like I was aware of every step that took place but there and then I was like a Valkyrie just everything he said was just not in my favour and then you know but as I said Oh but after at the end I was like really proud of myself, which I normally am not like that, proud of that I actually did something to get out of it. Beautiful. Yeah.

Beautiful. Now I've got to do the other one, like I was telling you before. It will just happen. Yeah. It will. Yeah. Yeah. It will. Just observe. Yeah. Just try and sit in a space of observation. Yeah. And see that it all just happens. It's got fuck all to do with you. Nothing to do with you. When I realised that anger after, I thought it just came out of nowhere. I wasn't in that mood at all. It just sprang up, you know, and that was a good lesson. Look, if you look at that a little more closely, the reason all that sprung up is because there's an idea of you there and you're not there.

That's deciding, I don't fucking like that behaviour. I know. I don't like that behaviour. And when that me is there, when that sense of me is there, identifying with those thoughts, saying, I don't like that behaviour, when that's there, guess what happens? Turns into a feeling in the body. And then you get like, you twist, you contract. I did. I had this big knot in my throat. I did. I had this big knot in my throat. I had this big knot in my stomach. Yeah. And the reason for that contraction is the belief that there's a me there that's being affected by someone or something.

Yeah. And eventually you'll be able to go, okay, at least you'll get to a point where you can identify that there's a me there that's got nothing to do with the other person. Yeah, that's right. You're just being affected by a thought that's floating through. Yeah. Then you want to attach it. Yeah. And that's your fault. You know what I mean? Yeah. And it's not... And it's not giving me the right answers because he said, that's it. We're not going there anymore. And I turned around and I said, you're not. I am. I'm still going because I want to go through this. I want to...

I have to see these things through. So just watch. Yeah. Just try and watch. Watch it. You're not doing it. Yeah. You're not doing it. It just happens. Yeah. So, Terry, a couple of weeks ago you were explaining something about... the fear from the head. That there's no head, there's space. Mm-hmm. All right? And this week I was on my own. I was watching TV and this guy came up. I can't remember his name actually. I think his second name is Lang anyway. And he was saying the same thing as... What? Where he points. Sorry? Yeah. It's just a program. Yeah. Where he points and then he says when you point to your head, you can't see the head.

Mm-hmm. Because consciousness... Everything appears only when consciousness appears. Yeah. Yeah. Because it looks at it. Mm-hmm. So because you can't see your own head, so for you there is no head. Mm-hmm. But there is the space which is looking. Mm-hmm. Is that... Describe... Great. Try and describe that space. Well, space is everything or something. From your own experience... Yeah. If you've really... Well, it seems like it's coming from here. If you've actually seen that, try and describe it. Well, I can't. Beautiful. Yeah. And you've seen it. You've experienced it. Because you can't describe it. You absolutely can't describe it. So if it's conscious looking through the space, why is it that it's...

I can only see... Or it only sees what I can see, say, from here to there, you know? Oh, that's easy. That's because you don't have an eye here, an eye here, and an eye here, and an eye here, and an eye here. It's got a couple here. Yeah. So it's related to the physical... Yes. It's just the same. Of course. Yeah. So it's related to the physical. Yeah. It's just the same. Of course. Yeah. So it's related to the physical. Yeah. So it's related to the physical. Yeah. Yes. It's just the same. Of course. Yeah. I can't see it that way. That's right. I can't.

But let me tell you, that's enough. Fucking that's enough. That's enough. More than enough. It's awesome. So there is that space. There is that... So that space is looking, so even though, say, there's no head, or what they call the headless body, it's not there. Right. But they're still looking for those seemingly eyes which... It seems that way. It seems that way. It seems that way, but it's actually awareness. Yes. Because awareness can see all directions. Yeah. But it's awareness. It's not a looker or a looked at or even a looking. It kind of is the looking, but it's an awareness. It's just an awareness.

That's all you start identifying with, the eyes and the looker and the seer and the seeing. If you don't do that, it's just awareness. Looking is already filtered. Like there is an awareness of being that is space. And now if you filter it through the bio-computer, you change that space-like awareness into the seeing, a space of seeing, space of hearing. That is already filtered. See the singularity. The one. Space-like awareness, the pure bliss of being now is channeled through one camera and it appears as object. Through the hearing device, it appears as sound. So it is already filtered through the body. So it's already inferior.

That's why we call it appearance. Singular existence doesn't need eyes and ears. The knowing of being and bliss, bliss of being is all there is. But to see itself... because this is all there is, there is nothing else. There is no awareness of itself. So awareness is unaware of itself. To be aware of itself, it dreams the other, it dreams the object, and it gives itself the vehicle to experience the other, seeming other. So as the awareness, it doesn't need the body. But through the body it can have a glimpse of itself, through the body it expresses as consciousness. And the body is limited, because only awareness is unlimited.

That's why it has many bodies, to look through many different nooks and corners of the appearance. It's only inferior if you think about it, though, isn't it? It's what? It's only inferior if you think about it, and I think that's what Terry was saying about the it's all wow, that's enough. Somebody beautifully said on Thursday, it's almost if you slow down enough, that love catches up. So you just... Down to a stop, you're not thinking about it, and then the wow just naturally comes through. Yeah. In the tiny little things. Sorry. And what you said, sorry, what Kat said, awareness can't be aware of itself.

Do you understand that? No. Okay. So that experience that you had of no head or nothingness, space, whatever you call it, and I said to you, describe, describe it. You can't. That's because that's what it is. So there's no awareness of that. There's no awareness of that. It is awareness. So there's no awareness of awareness, do you say? Correct. It implies two. There's the split. It's what I was talking about earlier. Yeah, I see all that, but I'm still here. There's still a split there. So yeah, I understand it all, but I still feel stuck. We are. Yeah. I'm sure that's what we're all about.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's, that's, yeah, that's common. That's is what it is. So you kind of get, you know, all we can do is point, have a look for yourself, you know, and the last time you hear, I said stuff and you went away and you had a look. That's all you can do is look for yourself. So we'll say, have a look at something or, try and find something or whatever the case may be. Then you go and do it. So can't give you anything, you know, that's totally can't give you anything. I understand. Yeah. I'm just so have a look for yourself and so what you find, but it helps on everyone, you know, say something to something will trick someone.

Yeah. Yeah. About thought the same, you know, what everything's thought that the thoughts, the grass, the emotional, I had a dream the other night and something happened was really upset in the dream. And then after a while I was really angry. I had knots in my stomach. All of a sudden I got this other thought said that it was only a thought. Bang. And that changed everything because I realized that I was getting upset was the thought was making me upset. Then it came up that it was only a thought. In other words, what are you upset about? Whether it's just a thought. Yeah. Mm.

Yeah. That's it. Yes. And all those things. His thought was upset. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. the trap though, all those insights that we have catching a thought and all that stuff we still think it's me doing the catching of it. Well, they did phrase it the thought came up looking for the game version rather than the not getting a version of the you are getting it version. You did say the thought just came up. So that's what the equation is. But it was clear as a bell like someone was talking to me, you know, says what the hell are you complaining about?

You were upset about it's just a thought, you know. Words. What are you learning, you know? you know put into practice along the way is not the me having the insights that's not to say that that's not just that's not that's not that that's not to say that the insights aren't real or true but it's not the me that's having the ins it's not the me that's seeing that it's not the me that's becoming aware of that yeah there is no me full stop that was beautiful yeah because we over time and that's a good good note to finish there wave to the guys who are watching hope you get better